if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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