You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize