Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
