i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
