I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
