gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
