i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
