Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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