when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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