Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
