my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
