You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
