He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
