I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
its liver damage thursday
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize