This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
