girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
