Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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