please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
