I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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