my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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