Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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