Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You did what with his pubic hair?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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