why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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