i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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