The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Randomize
