i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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