not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
