I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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