You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
