Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
