See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize