Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Pants are for mortals
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
