I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
