Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
