we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
