as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
