last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
