I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
