I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
