It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
