What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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