so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you had me at cake vodka
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
