I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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