I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
