I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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