The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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