She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
