I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
