insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
