If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
