Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
