My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
