He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
