mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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