I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
