Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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