meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
