Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize