The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
