I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My liver just had a heart attack.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
