Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't turn off my feet"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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