If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
