Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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